Don’t Tell ME Halloween Isn’t That Dangerous!

Photo of a Halloween trick-or-treater, Redford...

Photo of a Halloween trick-or-treater, Redford, Michigan, United States. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I used to give out candy to the trick or treaters running up to my door. But the world has grown much too dangerous to just fling the door open to a bunch of unidentifiable, potentially deadly little psychopaths. Yet I was determined not to lose the Halloween spirit. At first I hired a couple of guys to stand at the end of the drive way and scan the kids with metal detectors before they approached the house. I know it may seem demeaning to have a five year old Disney princess standing with her arms in the air while the security guy passes the wand up and down her body. But does she really care as long as there are Skittles or Sour Gummy Worms at the end of the process? I think not. Unfortunately I found out the security detail was taking candy from the kids. It all came to a head when they tasered an angry grandma whose little Spiderman had just had half his candy taken by security.

So the next year I went out and bought a retired bomb sniffing dog. His name was Sparkles. He would sniff the kids as they entered the yard and bark three times if he smelled explosives. He actually caught a kid with a pocket full of firecrackers. Good Sparkles. He only lasted that one Halloween though. In ignorance a generous little zombie gave Sparkles a big handful of bite size Snickers. Now Sparkles is sniffing for bombs in heaven.

I tried a self serve approach based on the honor system. I put a big cauldron filled with candy on the front lawn with a sign that said “Happy Halloween! Little Monsters Never Take More Than a Handful.” Some teenagers drove up, quickly threw the cauldron into the back of their pickup and drove off. Thank goodness I had attached a GPS tracking device to the bottom of the cauldron. I’m no fool. The ensuing car chase did net me a $1,000 fine for reckless driving.

I was sorely tempted to give up on Halloween altogether. But my failures made me more determined not to let a dark and violent world ruin that night of ghoulish delight. I actually grew bolder. I let the kids come up to the front door as I shoved candy through the mail slot. But I just couldn’t shake my sense of vulnerability. That mail slot is plenty big enough for some little monster to stick the barrel of a .45 through. So I had my wife dispense the candy. She’s a much smaller target.

All was running smoothly. I thought I had finally figured out how to make Halloween work without exposing myself to potential disaster. Then around 10 o’clock the cauldron thieves from the previous year drove by and egged our house. What if those had been grenades instead?

That pretty much did it for me. This year is the first Halloween night I’ll be spending in my new bunker in the back yard. My wife said she had had it with my insanity and was going to open the door and give the damn candy to the kids. Since I had no other option I chloroformed her and now she is safely asleep with me in the bunker. She’ll thank me in the morning.

3 Comments ↓

3 Comments on “Don’t Tell ME Halloween Isn’t That Dangerous!”

  1. Purnimodo November 1, 2012 at 9:43 AM #

    This is not real right??? When I was a child I watched this movIe ‘Class of 1984’ painting a real violent future school environment. Metal detectors, bionic head masters and all. Don’t have anything against pranks – we all did our share when we were young – but this seems a like it all got way out of hand.

    Bunkers are brilliant. I do this during New Year. Securing mailboxes and then Zzzz

    • Robert-preneur November 1, 2012 at 6:59 PM #

      LOL! I certainly hope I’n not this paranoid! No, it’s just my twisted mind at work. I was just thinking about how things had changed since I was a kid running through the neighborhood on Halloween night over 40 years ago. There was no real fear then as our parents turned us loose for the evening. And fortunately schools haven’t become high security prisons.
      You’ve inspired me to write a paranoid New Years eve story.
      Thank you for stopping by Purnimodo.
      Warmth and Peace.

  2. Purnimodo November 2, 2012 at 7:54 PM #

    Ahwz.. haha I feel a bit stupid now. I have a tendency to take things literally but glad all is alright. Looking forward to your New Years eve story. Cheers!

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