Emails To Santa: RE: Marketing


2011-Coca-Cola-3-Litros-Natal-Christmas-Brasil-rotulo-fosco (Photo credit: roitberg)

From: Robert
To: Santa
Date: November 30, 2012
Subject: RE: Ad campaigns

I have to agree with Mrs. Claus on this. One word – “overexposure.” She’s right. I’m going to be brutally honest Santa. People are getting sick of seeing you. You’ve become a kind of background noise to the holiday season. The magic was that you would only appear once a year and only as a wonderful aroma of love and generosity lingering after your mysterious presence had departed. Now you pop into everyone’s living room 20 or 30 times in an evening. It’s like having you next to me on the sofa slapping me in the head every 30 seconds and shouting,”Hey! You wanna buy something?!”  I really think you should reevaluate your marketing plan and take a hiatus from endorsements for a couple of years after this Christmas season. Your popularity ratings have taken a steep nosedive.
Love ya Big Guy

From: Robert
To: Santa
Date: December 1, 2012
Subject: RE: Rosetta Stone

Really? We’re supposed to believe you learned German using Rosetta Stone? It was bad enough that a fully bearded man like you did Norelco commercials but we all know you’ve been speaking well over 100 languages fluently for centuries. And German? You’re European! Mandarin might have been slightly believable but still…
Geez! Any knucklehead knows that communication issues between the elves and international customer service centers would have been a much better premise for a Rosetta Stone commercial. Amateurish ad writing at best.
I don’t mean to be harsh but I’m really concerned for your image.
Please Tell Mrs. Claus the rum balls were delicious.
Love ya you ZZ Top wannabe you

From: Robert
To: Santa
Date: December 3, 2012
Subject: RE: Cialis

No! Absolutely not! Do NOT do a Cialis commercial. First of all you don’t want to drag the Mrs. into the sordid world of advertising. But nobody, and I mean NOBODY, wants to see you and Mrs. Claus sliding into a hot tub while Rudolph does his impression of Barry White. Holy crud! The mental image alone makes me queazy. It’s like walking in on your grandparents during a very intimate moment. Oh man, I need to go bang my head against the wall until the images go away.
Pleeeease don’t do it. 😦
Love ya anyway

From: Robert
To: Santa
Date: December 4, 2012
Subject: RE: Captain Morgan Rum

Yeah, why not.

From: Robert
To: Santa
Date: December 5, 2012
Subject: RE: Victoria’s Secret

No way! Mrs. Claus?! I just bit into one of her Toll House cookies. It was so chewy and wonderful. Now I feel like I just swallowed grandma’s chocolate chip panties. I think I’m gonna puke. :-/

From: Robert
To: Santa
Date: December 6, 2012
Subject: RE: RE: Victoria’s Secret

I’m so relieved Mrs. Claus reconsidered. It’ll be hilarious with the elves instead. But really Santa. Think about taking some time off from advertising. If you must do some endorsements, stick to a few well placed ads with some give back to the community involved. Maybe a Coke commercial for a partnership with children’s charities. That would be nice.
Oh, and yes, I would love a Mr. Beer home brew kit this year. Thanks! And don’t forget. Ice fishing in January!
Tell Mrs. Claus she doesn’t need Victoria’s Secret to look beautiful. Watch out or I’m gonna steal her from you. Ho ho ho! 😉
Love ya Jelly Belly Bro

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