Telling The Truth About Unicorns

White unicorn on red

Purnimodo posted an interesting coloring book on her Facebook page titled Unicorns Are Jerks: a coloring book exposing the cold, hard, sparkly truth. Finally someone is speaking out! I know people love unicorns with their new agey rainbows and mystical imagery but in the real world it’s not all moonbeams and gum drops. Let me relate a few of my own unicorn encounters.

Case #1: I’m sitting in the waiting room at my doctor’s office and this unicorn walks in and sits next to me sneezing uncontrollably. I say,”Wow. That’s a bad cold. But shouldn’t you be at a veterinarians office?” The unicorn looks at me and sneezes so hard it’s horn punctures my right shoulder. It says,”Yeah I guess your right.” and walks out. No,”I’m so sorry” or “Oh man, are you alright?” I ended up at the emergency room with a magical puncture wound oozing maple syrup. How do you explain that? Stupid unicorn.

Case #2: I’m stopped at an intersection and the light turns green. Just as I start to move a unicorn comes barrelling through the crosswalk against the red light and it’s horn comes crashing through my driver’s side window. I get out and sure enough the idiot has no insurance. So I tell it,”You have a two foot horn sticking out of your forehead and you haven’t embraced the concept of liability insurance you moron?!” I ended up back at the emergency room.

Case #3 I’m stuck behind a unicorn for ten minutes at the Taco Bell drive through as it argues vehemently with the manager that the rule against serving walk up customers at the drive through doesn’t apply to unicorns. I am particularly irked because everyone knows that unicorns don’t eat Mexican food. I finally lose my patience and honk at the unicorn which kicks in one of my headlights and runs off. Needless to say I’m out more of my deductible.

Are these fairly random events a representative sample of unicorn behavior that is statistically significant? I have no idea. But I’m moving to Utah. It’s perfectly legal there to shoot unicorns.


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